Captain Falcon's Guide to SSB Stardom!
by YaoiSongstress07
Summary: The conclusion of this awesome epic has arrived! You won't find thrills like this anywhere else! Heed the advice of the legendary racer, Captain Falcon! Witness magic! This tale surpasses Peter Jackson's 'Lord of the Rings!
1. Chapter 1

Hello, kiddies and welcome to 'Stardom'! Thanks for dropping in! I'm taking a small break from epic drama, as you can see. I have prepared a little tribute to this fandom, commemorating the most popular Super Smash Bros. couples. I've also decided to commemorate the work of several authors, all found within this category. I do hope you enjoy this little break from action-packed adventures!

This was actually inspired by hilarious tales I found within the Dynasty Warriors category. I also gave birth to the idea after writing _Aurora's Advice, _which I installed into my profile. Certain couples achieve instant stardom in this section, and I decided to celebrate all of them. XD So sit back, relax, and enjoy yourselves!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Super Smash Bros.**

**Warning: As all of my work does, this tale mentions boy/boy couples. If you're not a fan of boy/boy love, please don't read this. I don't mean to stir up flames, or any form of hatred against gay love. If you're not into a certain Smasher being a 'fruit', then so be it. If you can't see a certain Smasher being gay, then so be it. I don't wish to receive your opinions on what pairings should exist.**

**This so-called 'guide' came from my experience in the Smash fandom. I don't mean any ill will against any Smasher, be it Mario or King Dedede. I know Mario's the mascot of Nintendo, so of course he isn't 'minor'. Stories just don't feature him on a regular basis. Pushing that aside, this is meant to be a fun-filled parody. XD Don't take anything too seriously! I mean no ill will towards Smashers or authors.**

**This tale was inspired by super sailor vegeta-sei's Dynasty Warriors guides. XD The 'Liu Bei' one in particular.**

**This tale will be written through a certain Smasher's eyes. Expect some stupidity from that particular Smasher. XD**

* * *

Good day, ladies and gentlemen. I am the amazing Captain Douglas Falcon, esteemed racer and legendary champion. Over the last two weeks, I spent a bunch of days conducting research. I explored the World Wide Web, and by golly, I discovered a whole new galaxy!

That's it. They should call it the World Wide Galaxy! I shall inform the press of this. I shall inform the world of this! I have made the world's most brilliant discovery! People shall remember me! They shall hear my name and tremble! They shall know of my excellence! I have discovered the World Wide Galaxy, dear friends! Bwahahahaha-

Excuse me. I welcome you to the fruits of my research! I thank you, with regal pomposity, for giving me your precious time. You'll lose your precious time, and you'll _never _be able to get it back, but you'll lose it. And I promise, you won't waste it. So join me as I converse with my dear friends. Join me as I lend my voice to the legendary Smashers!

* * *

"Legendary Smashers, lend me your ears. I have gathered you all here to inform you of something!"

Zero Suit Samus, standing between Yoshi and Ness, sighed while rolling her eyes. "I thought so," the blonde maiden groaned. Meanwhile, Donkey Kong and Diddy exchanged bananas. While their bananas were exact duplicates of each other, they felt the other's banana was better. According to the family of Donkey Kong Country, exchanging bananas had become quite the rage.

"Did you tell us we're about to die from boredom?" Falco Lombardi asked, at the side of his beloved friend Fox. "I can't wait for that to happen. I'm surprised Slippy hasn't killed me with his stupidity."

King Dedede held up a hand. "Yeah, about that...why is it that he can't take any of the bad guys down? If he sucks _that _much, why did you guys hire him?"

Fox threw Dedede a look of desperation and frustration. "Drop a line to General Pepper. No, wait a minute. Drop off your complaint to the Great Fox Customer Service. I'm sure they'll respond to you in a prompt manner! 24 hours, to be precise!"

Amidst the greatest music of all time, Captain Falcon held up his hands for silence. "Beloved friends, cherished allies and appreciated comrades, I have called you into the Smash Manor's courtyard for one reason. After extensive research-"

Link gave a frown to Pit. "What's with the music?" he whispered, earning a frown from the winged wonder. If you asked Captain Falcon's deejay, he would have told you that Nobuo Uematsu composed it. It was commonly known as the orchestrated version of 'One-Winged Angel'.

"After extensive research, I have compiled a writer's guide to stardom! Not only have I compiled the writer's guide to stardom, but I have compiled a writer's guide to _Super Smash Bros. _stardom! Behold!" With that, Captain Falcon shot a hand into the air, holding...absolutely nothing.

"Behold, as I shall my riches with you! Behold, as I share my vast knowledge! Just excuse me for a moment, while I remove my vast knowledge from my super sexy pant pocket!"

The music came to an instant halt, allowing the amazing racer to reach into his super sexy pant pocket. Out of his pocket came a slip of paper, which appeared to be a slip from a small notebook. Mario and Luigi exchanged glances with one another, wondering if Falcon was still sane. "Behold, beloved friends, and listen," the racer went on regally. "Watch as I unfold!"

And unfold he did. Sighs rang throughout the audience of Smashers as he turned the paper in every direction, trying to find the perfect place to start from. He finally concluded that he should begin with the first item on his list! What an _amazing _discovery. And what an amazing deejay he had! Music from the Mario Party series began to play, instantly recognized by the Mario Brothers. If you had asked any of them, they would have merrily told you the song's origin-Mario Party 7.

"Ahem. Captain Falcon presents Captain Falcon's guide to Super Smash Bros. Stardom. If one wishes to write for this category, they must follow these rules. Here we go!"

_If one wishes to succeed as a writer of the Super Smash Bros. fandom, they must follow these incredible rules. Pay attention!_

_1) No story can focus on the minor characters. The minor characters are as follows: Lucario, Ness, Lucas, the Mario Brothers, King Dedede, Game and Watch, and Bowser. As the other Smashers are concerned to be far more important, these Smashers are completely insignificant._

As a result of that heart-breaking discovery, Mr. Game and Watch lowered his head.

_Only one known author has composed a story for Mr. Game and Watch. Note to Mr. Game and Watch: thank WesPerry when you have the time._

_2) If Solid Snake is to be featured, make sure he's paired with Samus. Otherwise, his part in the story will fall flat. Nobody will really care if he's paired with Marth, Pit, Ike or Link. Actually, no one really cares about Snake, or his adventures with Metal Gear. He was just thrown into the Brawl roster at the last minute, because his Metal Gear Solid parents begged for his inclusion. Only two authors care about this Smasher, and they go by the names of 'Solid Snake's Aurora' and 'Shining Zephyr'._

"That's a little harsh," the mercenary said, scowling. Samus, on her own end, was outraged!

"Wait a minute. Why should I hook up with _him? _No offense to Snake here, but who dictates _what _in this sorry excuse of a fandom?!"

Falcon gave her an adoring, sweet and comforting smile. "Because, my pet, it only makes sense. He's a big, muscular guy with muscles and an attitude. You're a big, busty blonde with an attitude. It's like putting one and one together. Onward!"

_3) Stories that feature Marth are instant hits, especially if Marth's paired with Ike._

_4) Ike might be a good partner for Marth, but stories become more popular when he's paired with Pit. Actually, those are the fandom's greatest stories. Nobody cares about a story's summary. As long as Pit and Ike are in it as a couple, who cares?! The story's a hit!_

"We're _that _popular? Yaaaaay!" Pit cried out joyously, and flew to the moon. He returned in the blink of an eye, just glowing with moonlight. He was so cute, all of the Pokemon within a 100 mile radius were ashamed. Actually, everyone within a 100 mile radius keeled over and passed out from an explosion of cavities. Dentists were about to become popular.

_5) Stories should not focus on Fox, Falco or Wolf. If an author wishes to write about them, they should move into the Star Fox category._

_6) The same applies to Sonic. Nobody really cares about __**him, **__either. One author loves him to death. Note to Sonic: thank GintaxAlvissxForever when you have the time._

Sonic launched himself into the air, over-the-moon with ecstasy. _**"All riiiight! I've got a new girlfriend! Wahoo!"**_

_7) If a story features the Ike/Soren pairing, that's even better! Just look at Aurora's latest reviews for 'The Edge of Solace', and you'll have all the proof you need!_

_8) If you want even greater stardom, stay away from yaoi all together. Predictable pairings, such as the Link/Zelda pairing, work wonders for the aspiring author!_

Zelda and Link exchanged glances, looking as if they had just eaten dead cockroaches. "What _else _would anyone expect?" the sovereign of Hyrule asked wearily. "I'm the Queen of Hyrule. _He's _the Hero of Time. Doesn't leave much room for the imagination, does it?"

"That's just...so..._lame," _Link added, then rolled his eyes. "I'd rather hook up with Navi."

And lo, did Navi come forth! "Liiiink!" the annoying specimen of life sang, soaring on the wings of love. "I'll hook up with you tooooo!"

"Navi! Oh, Navi! I have loved you ever so much thine thee day!"

"I've loved you too, Link! You're ever so much thine thee day!"

The two came together, glowing with effervescent bliss. Samus and Snake looked at one another, faces long with rejection and weariness. "Wanna get married?" the blonde asked casually. "We could have a double wedding with those two."

"Sounds fair," Snake said with a shrug. "Let's do it."

"Anything else?" Fox asked the F-Zero racer, ears lowered. Apparently, he was none too happy about his...unpopularity.

"Nothing else but this. I concluded my research with a conclusion!"

_9) The recipe for the world's greatest SSB fanfic: Ike, Pit, Zelda and a bedroom! Ta daaah!_

Bowser shot a fist into the air. "A _threesome?! _All riiiiight!"

* * *

And so, reality shoved its fists into the faces of many. Nobody really cares about Snake, Sonic or any of the teeny Smashers. Ike and Pit are the most glorious faces of this fandom! All riiiiight!

The End!!!!!

Didn't I tell you my research was _amazing?! Didn't I tell you?! Bwahahaha!_

Love, Captain Falcon

P.S: May Falcon bless us, everyone!

By the way, that Mario Party song I played...it's called 'Mill It Over'. Don't tell anyone! And 'One-Winged Angel'? That was written for ME, not that loser Sephiroth! Bwahahahaha!


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome, children, to the second installation of 'Stardom'! Here you'll find action! Suspense! Charm! Epic romance! Thrills, chills and bloodcurdling spills! Awesome excitement awaits you in this epic tale! Watch out, because you're in for the ride of your life!

Before this amazing adventure of ours continues, a few things must be noted. **Against the previous chapter, readers attacked my usage of the word 'minor'. Assumptions were made, saying that I shrank Mario and other characters down to the size of ants. I KNOW MARIO ISN'T A SMALL PIECE OF NINTENDO, BECAUSE HE PRACTICALLY IS NINTENDO! I'm not trying to belittle any character's significance! **I apologize for the misunderstandings, but that's not the way I meant to use the word 'minor'!

I also bear no ill will against hard-working, passionate authors. This may convey my dislike for the fandom, but that doesn't translate into scorn against other authors. If neither of those notes can be properly understood, please steer clear. I would GREATLY appreciate it. This is meant to be a lighthearted, fun project.

* * *

Hello, dear children and kiddies. I have returned to grace you with my overpowering knowledge, wisdom and information. I have returned to grace you with my awe-inspiring awesomeness, on this very day of Resident Evil incredibility-ness! I hope you reserved your copy, kiddies, because it's going to be one awesome ride! Pick it up at your local game store today! I already got mine, just so you know. I reserved it last month! _And _I went to the Midnight RE Bash. So sweet. I dressed up as Chris Redfield, and I blew the house down! Unfortunately, the owner of the game shop didn't really like his store being blown to pieces. But it was a Resident Evil party! And Resident Evil games have guns and explosions and stuff-

Ahem. After spending the night in King Dedede's dungeon, I have returned to you with my overpowering knowledge, wisdom and information. I have gathered more data on the Super Smash Bros. fandom, and I wish to spread my awesome, phenomenal knowledge with the WORLD! Bwahahahahahaha! With all of our powers combined, I am Captain America!

No, wait. Captain _Falcon! _Oops, that's right! Sorry about that. No wonder I ran into a bit of confusion last night. The game store manager accused me of identity theft, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I told him my name was Chris Redfield. That didn't work either. Samus told me my name, though. She's such a sweetie, even if she is doomed to marry Snake. My heart will go on and on...

* * *

"So...what are here for again?"

"My dear McCloud, I have compiled all of you into this room for one purpose. After laborious hours of research, observation and information gathering, I have concluded to come to this conclusion."

"I've decided to push my head into an inferno," Samus muttered, giving her words to Solid Snake. "How's _that _for a conclusion?"

"I thought your research was done, Captain Falcon," Lucas whimpered, wringing his hands together. "And what's with the music?"

"Yeah," Ness snarled, glaring at the fullblown symphony-which was only a few yards away. "I'm surprised we can even hear each other! They're singing at the top of their lungs! And why are we in Ganondorf's castle? Aren't we just making ourselves prime targets for destruction?!"

"Nonsense, Nessie! And by the way, I'm Captain Planet! Don't forget it!"

"Don't forget it my ass," Bowser groaned, putting a hand against his forehead. "And what are those babes singing? Isn't that...Xepher?"

Falco Lombardi turned to him, eyes brighter than stars. "You know what? You're absolutely right. I just had a round of Dance Dance Revolution with Fox last night. That song's incredible. And now we're getting the LIVE version! How about that, huh?"

"Ahem ahem ahem, kiddies! Pay close attention, because you're about to be AMAZED by my awesome splendor! Watch my news unfold," Captain Falcon instructed, unfolding a newspaper. "Hey, wow. According to this, Smash stocks have gone way down. I bought the Bowser Popcorn stock yesterday, too. Too bad the dollar amount's getting bigger. I always thought green was a bad color. I like red more."

Zelda balled her hands into fists. "You idiot! Your stock's worth a million gold coins!"

"Oh, really? That's too bad. I won't know what to do with all that money! Now, here we are! Here's come the fuzz, my beloved Zelda-ness!"

"Wait a minute," Snake threw in, placing a hand upon Falcon's shoulder. "Am I still low on the popularity scale?"

Falcon nodded, grinning from ear to ear. "As a matter of fact, chummy, you are. There are a few individuals that see fit to give you the time of day, but other than that...well, not too many people give a crap about you unless you're paired with Samus. Nothing's changed."

"We picked a date," Samus said nonchalantly, folding her arms. "We're getting married in thirty minutes. None of you are invited."

_1) The continuation of Falcon's research! The Ike/Marth pairing has become quite popular lately. The Ike/Pit trend has fallen strangely silent. One Ike/Marth tale is only three chapters long, and it has attained THIRTY chapters! Amazing!_

"Question," Ike groaned, raising a hand. "Why does the second trend involve me? What am I, some kind of playboy?"

_2) Falcon predicts that the next trend will be Ike/Link It's only a matter of time before that happens._

"Fabulous," the swordsman of Crimea grumbled, slapping his forehead. "What's after that? The Ike/Roy pairing?"

_3) Stories concerning Zelda have also become quite popular. In order for her to be successful, though, she must be paired with either Pit or Marth. The predictable Link/Zelda pairing still works wonders as well._

Zelda slumped over in dejection, rolling her eyes. "You've _got _to be kidding me. Can't I ever be paired with someone...you know..._different? _What's with all the run-of-the-mill pretty boys?"

_4) Obviously, the Smash swordsmen are the flag-toters of this fandom. A scant amount of authors see fit to utilize the other Smashers, but..._

_5) If one wishes to be a successful author of this fandom, this rule still rings true. Stay away from yaoi all together-unless it concerns Ike. Pit, for some odd reason, is falling out of the popularity circle. Ike's winning!_

"Who started the 'Ike is a playboy' trend? That's what _I _want to know..." a certain swordsman growled.

_6) Check out the first two pages of the fandom. Summaries are either similar to one another, or devoid of innovation. It's either 'the Smashers are thrown together, see what happens', 'the Smashers are on an island', 'some original character is thrown into the Smash world', or 'the Smashers are in a chatroom'._

_7) Fox/Wolf is growing on the popularity scale. One story in particular has been written, and while it's rather unique, it can't be the famous Ike/Marth legend. The author of the tale with thirty reviews deserves a Nobel Peace Prize!_

_8) Thankfully, Falcon has discovered other authors who feel disgraced by the fandom. Solid Snake's Aurora isn't the only one that feels this fandom favors the flag-toting swordsmen. Oh, and let's not forget the angel._

Princess Peach, happy with the world and its ways, was more radiant than a Disney Princess. "You know, I haven't been in _either _part of Falcon's research," she declared happily, beaming from ear to ear. If she became any brighter, the world would break out in song. "No news is good news, right?"

Marth, hovering between rapture and frustration, folded his arms. "I don't know if I should feel ashamed or blissful. I'm happy to have such a fanbase, but...I'd like to experience the spice of life as well. I'd rather spend the rest of my life paired with _Roy! _That's far more magical than being paired with Ike! Or even _Pit!"_

_9) Recipes for the perfect Smash tale: the Ike/Link/Marth pairing, or a Link/Marth/Zelda/Ike love drama. _

_10) The Marth/Zelda and Marth/Samus pairings are tremendously high on the popularity scale. Which proves point 5._

"Wait a minute," Meta Knight said, raising one of his small hands into the air. "What of Aurora? If she feels defeated in this fandom, what of her work? What will become of it-and her?"

"Well," the amazing, awe-inspiring Falcon said, pacing around. "As of late, she's become smitten with her newest baby-the Snake/Leon pairing. She glows with love every time she thinks of that pairing. And in addition to that, she has inspired a precious friend of hers-the lady Zephyr-to create her own crossover pairing of love. Today, the lady Aurora wishes to celebrate not only the release of Resident Evil 5, but the newborn love of Snake/Leon and Snake/Cloud Strife."

Samus dove in, as she always did in support of Falcon. "As for her Smash work, it's on indefinite hold. With every passing day, she becomes increasingly dissatisfied with the fandom's trends. She's not asking everyone to be Snake or Metal Gear Solid fanatics, but she's just bored with the rapidly growing trends. I've heard that she wants to touch people, not reach out for popularity. I think she's stirring up an idea for some guy named WesPerry, since she hasn't given him any giftfics yet, but other than that...I don't know. And there's still Psyche. Ginta mentioned her interest in that. Hmmm."

Wolf stepped forward. "Wasn't all of that supposed to be explained in the aftermath of this research?"

"I think someone's in for major trouncing," Fox muttered, passing his words to Falco. "A few people aren't going to be thrilled by Aurora's withering affection. I can think of one Sonic fanatic in particular."

Sonic grinned, holding up a bouquet of roses. "Speaking of, when's my date? I got us a reservation at Olive Garden! I hope Ginta likes Italian. Don't want to stuff her with chili dogs."

_11) Falcon commends all passionate authors. To those that write with love and effort: thank you, congratulations, and good luck._

"Who's up for a zombie bash?! I've got a Chris Redfield costume!"

"Falcon, you dumbass! That's a Jill Valentine costume!"

Samus turned to Snake, looking like a bored cat. "Where's the wedding taking place?"

"I thought we were getting hitched here?"

"Oh. Fine with me."

* * *

**Please note: I mean no harm towards any author. I am all for making friends. XD If this cannot be understood, I'm sorry. I wish you all the hugs in the world.**

**Xepher is featured in Dance Dance Revolution: Supernova.**

**References to 'Titanic' and 'Captain Planet' were featured. Were you able to spot them?**


	3. Chapter 3

Welcome to an additional chapter of 'Stardom'! Due to popular demand, this amazing epic will continue. You're in for even more treats! The thrills, chills and spills will shock you! The action will blow you out of the water! The excitement will keep you on the edge of your seat! Hold onto the seat of your pants, good friends, because this is a ride unlike any other!

**As you probably know, this tale will be told through Captain Falcon's eyes.**

**This project is not meant to throw poisonous darts at any author. While I have an increasingly strong dislike for this fandom, I do not wish to stomp all over anyone's name. Please understand that.**

* * *

Ahem ahem ahem. Welcome to an additional chapter of 'Stardom'! Due to popular demand-

Wait a minute. All that disclaimer stuff's already been done. Sorry about that.

Anyways, did you guys pick up your copy of Resident Evil 5? Man, I sure did, and was that game awesome! The action was intense! Stupefying! Hypnotizing! I was, like, surrounded by all of these demons and stuff, and my partner tried to help! But she couldn't, cuz, she was like, out of ammo and stuff. Dude, I stayed up _all night _working through the intro! It took me an hour to learn how to shoot! No wonder the zombie guys kept on massacring me! I bet my partner didn't like me too much! Man, she's probably still pissed off at me. I mean, who wouldn't be? I kinda had her sliced up by the zombie thingies a few times. I know she's probably dead and stuff, but she can haunt me.

Children, now that I'm no longer playing my ultra-awesome RE5, I am no longer Captain Falcon. I am now-drum roll please-Chris Redfield! Stand in awe of my awesome fury!

Pushing that aside, I shall present to you my third day of work. Popular demand demanded me to create a longer guide for the aspiring Smash author, and I listened to those demands. Now you shall reap the benefits of my work! Watch, as my dearest of dear friends work out the fruit of my labor. Aspiring writers, pay close attention! The show of your lives is about to unfold! Make sure you've got the popcorn you need, and take notes! After this, you'll be able to write the greatest Smash fic in the history of history!

Ahem ahem ahem. Before I pull up the curtain, allow me to rehash what has already been shared. Keep your eyes on the notes, kiddies!

_Captain Falcon's Guide for the Aspiring Smash Author!_

_1) Pay close attention to trends. Lately, the Ike/Marth trend has been immensely popular. The previous trend was Ike/Pit. Falcon predicts that the Ike/Link trend will follow._

_2) Unless it concerns Ike, stay away from yaoi all together. You'll be able to amass a LOT of popularity that way!_

_3) An Ike/Marth is only three chapters long, but it has thirty reviews. That strengthens Falcon's first two points._

_4) No one gives a crap about Snake-unless he's paired with Zero Suit Samus. Otherwise, a writer may as well write about the Mewtwo/Toad pairing. A few authors care dearly for him, but they're in painful minority. One would have better luck writing a Peach/Lucario story. One should not focus their tales on Snake, unless he hooks up with Samus. They'll have better luck sprouting wings._

_5) Summaries have become all too common, and suffer from the absence of innovation. Check out the first two pages for proof. If one wishes to create a successful Smash epic, their summary must be somewhere along these lines: 'Smashers battle in a lot of tournament thingies', 'Smashers are thrown in a room', 'an original character is thrown into the Smash world', or 'Smashers end up in a chatroom'._

There. I think that's pretty much it. Now, pay close attention to the tale at hand! I promise you, you'll have the wicked awesomest time of your freakin' life!

* * *

Once upon a time, a bunch of people gathered in a house to do different things. There's a spin on this, so watch out. The bunch of people weren't thrown into the Smash Manor/Castle/House. Instead, they were transported to a place called _Croft_ Manor. As far as they knew, some woman named Lara owned it. She also owned a lot of trophies, and told a lot of stories about tombs, but none of that was important. They all had one thing on their minds, and it was their destiny. They were destined to fight! Destined to duke it out for all things Smash! Destined to-

"Die from an over-exposure to stupidity," Samus snarled, sneering at her script. "Are we _serious _about this? I mean, _come on! _If people want to write crap about us, let'em! There's no hope for humanity anyways! Do we seriously have to put ourselves through this?"

"Too late to back out now," Snake put in, scanning through his script. "And I'm a little lost. If we're supposed to be married, how come I'm not supposed to be here?"

Sonic crumbled his script, then pointed at the mercenary's. "It says you're not popular enough to exist," he explained while nodding. "So, according to ol' Falcon, you're supposed to be married but _absent. _Samus is higher on the pop scale 'cause she's got bigger boobs, according to Fal's report."

"Don't forget the sexy, tight suit and flowing yellow hair," Wolf grumbled, throwing the pages of his script into the air. "No worries, Snake. None of the Mario brothers are here either. Hang out with them. Or you could always hang with Li. Your choice."

Link, while scrolling through the pages of his script, walked into their living room. "Wait a minute," he said, meticulously absorbing each detail. "I'm supposed to pick up my fairy, find the three Sacred Stones, go to the Temple of Time and...why does this sound like 'Ocarina of Time'?"

Fox looked over his shoulder. "Keep reading, Hero of Time. You're supposed to meet up with Zelda at some point. Make sense?"

"Oh Great Deku Tree, why must there be a curse on thee? Why must the Evil King Ganondorf be so cruel to thee?! What did thee do to deserve such wicked punishment, oh Great Deku Tree?!"

"Navi! _Not yet!"_

"Oops. Sorry, my beloved Linky poo," a tiny fairy whimpered, nuzzling Link's cheek. "When can I see you? I've missed you so much! I can't bear five minutes without you!"

"The script says I don't meet you for another two hours. And _apparently _you could live without me, because you broke up with me after I saved Hyrule from Ganondorf!"

"_You were busy with Zelda! How did you expect me to act?! I loved you, Link! I was always with you! That floozy offered you __**nothing!"**_

"We had to summon the Sages together! _You got yourself blasted by Ganondorf's magic!"_

"_I did the best I could! I'm just a fairy, not a big chested bimbo!"_

"Why am I paired with these pansies, and Snake's paired off with some hot babe named Leon?" Ike grumbled, burning his script with his eyes. "He shouldn't be complaining. At least he gets to snatch up an amazingly hot officer. _I'm stuck with Marth! _Apparently, it was either _him _or _Pit!"_

"If you two are paired together," the amazingly adorable Pit began, tilting his head. And everyone around him died from a cavity epidemic. Well, they should have, but cavities weren't fatal things. "Who am _I _with? I've always been with Ike!"

Peach, dressed as Queen Amidala for an unknown reason, looked through her script while humming. Birds, resting on her arms, hummed with her. "Let me see. Pit, you're...with...oh! The three of you are in a love triangle!"

Samus rolled her eyes. "What a shock. Well, I'm officially bored. And why are you dressed like a Star Wars fangirl?"

The princess shrugged. "Beats me. Falcon requested it!"

"Don't tell me you're paired with _him. _If the two of you are diving into Star Wars fantasies, the rating of this play is going to sky-rocket. This _won't _be kid-friendly."

"According to what I have here, I'm supposed to be in my own love triangle," Fox declared. "I don't think the public knows who to pair me off with. Father never told me I'd have this much trouble falling in love."

Sonic threw his hands up. "Sheesh! How many love triangles are in here?! And where's Satoshi?!"

"He wasn't popular enough to be here," Link growled, livid over a certain argument. "He fell of the scale by a few points. He probably met up with Snake and the others."

"I don't think so. I think Snake went off to play with his new love dove," Ike growled, face glowing with hatred. "I would. He doesn't have to be here. And have any of you seen Leon? I'd give Crimea to have five minutes with him."

"A little eager to quench your appetite, are we?" Samus asked, grinning mischievously. Ike looked fit to burst.

"You can say that again."

"_Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!_

_Even though the sound of it_

_Is something quite atrocious_

_If you say it loud enough_

_You'll always sound precocious_

_Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"_

"I didn't know Kirby could sing!" the incredibly, sugary sweet Pit cried out, clasping his hands to his face. Link gave him a warm smile. Both of them watched a parade of Kirbies roll through the living room, singing a rather bizarre melody.

"I didn't either. And I thought he fell off the scale too? Nobody writes about him."

Sonic spoke next. "They don't. Falcon thought he was just too cute to be left out."

"_Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay_

_Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay_

_So when the cat has got your tongue_

_There's no need for dismay_

_Just summon up this word_

_And then you've got a lot to say_

_But better use it carefully_

_Or it may change your life_

_One night I said it to me girl_

_And now me girl's my wife!"_

"Ooooh, supercalifragilistc-"

"Don't _you _start," Marth ordered, giving Fox's ribs a playful punch. "You'll hypnotize us all! It's bad enough having those cretins sing it! And for your information, Ike, I don't enjoy being trapped with you either!"

"I never meant any offense," Ike snapped, folding his arms. "You're not responsible for any of this. I would just like a breath of fresh air. Having a certain someone take me by force wouldn't be too bad of an idea, either."

"Sorry, but a Snake/Leon/Ike threeway isn't in the script," Samus put out there, nodding. "And I don't think it would work in your favor."

"Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay-"

"_Fox! Must I tell you to halt your stupidity once more?"_

"Zelda! What are _you _doing here?! You're supposed to be in Hyrule, waiting for me!"

"I do apologize, Link, but I have a few dilemmas with my role. I'm not in the mood to repeat several weeks of my hideously boring life, I'm afraid I've fallen in love with a handsome traveler, and that song is about to drive me insane! What _are _they singing?!"

Fox gave her a luminous grin. "It's supercalifragilistic-_ow! _Marth!"

"Its okay, Zelda. Link's cheating on you anyway," Navi said comfortingly, nuzzling the sovereign's cheek. "He's hitting on Pit."

"What? Are you _serious?"_

Link, with a furious sigh, threw his hands into the air. "Navi, if you want to end everything, just tell me. Right here, right now. No need to be cowardly!"

"_Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay_

_Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay_

_Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"_

"Hey, um...can I, like, go Super Sonic on the Kirby Squad? That song's kinda annoying..."

"Okay, I'm officially lost," Samus moaned, slumping against a wall. "How am I supposed to talk to Snake if he's not here? Did that idiot Falcon write the script?"

At that point, the Smashers were confronted by their ultimate destiny! They were confronted by the choice of their lives! They were confronted by the amazingly, brilliantly hot Lara Croft!

Lara (no longer a Triple D, as she was in previous years) strolled into the living room of her manor. Just like the manor, she was incredibly sexy. Hey, now that I think of it, she could be paired with Snake! There could be a Lara/Snake/Samus love triangle! _Yes! Chris Redfield is a genius!_

"Hello guests. Welcome to my incredibly sexy manor. I am the incredibly sexy Lara Croft, as you've probably noticed."

"What are we doing today, Miss Croft?" the adorable Pit squealed, clapping his hands together. Nobody else noticed it, but Link had him by the arm.

"We're going to take a ride in my super sexy helicopter. Whee!"

"Yay! Our ride will be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" Fox sang, joining hands with Lara. And together the two jumped around, rather happily. Lara did a bit more bouncing. Bwee hee hee.

Samus turned to Sonic. "Can I kill my contract?"

"Sure. Why not? Master Hand won't mind. I should probably axe mine, too. I've got a sword to find! Oh, and then I've got to transform into some type of were-wolf thing. Chili dogs aren't the only thing on plate!"

"I _know _Master Hand won't mind," Ike put in angrily, glaring at the world. "Snake ran off with a Resident Evil officer. He's perfectly happy. So why would Master Hand care?"

Samus beamed at him. "I think I know why you're so cranky now," she announced cheekily. Sonic nudged her in the ribs, giving her a wink.

And the rest of their day _was _supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

* * *

The 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' song hails from the Mary Poppins film.

Throughout this part of the tale, Link, Zelda and Navi made references to the 'Ocarina of Time' plot. Could you spot them? XD

Li is my nickname for Toon Link. XD

Queen Amidala is a renowned character of the Star Wars series. Leon is the protagonist of Resident Evil 4, and Snake's one true love. XD Chris Redfield isn't Captain Falcon, just so you know. He is _himself, _and he stars in Resident Evil 5. Falcon's introduction was actually inspired by my first venture into RE5, which occurred this morning. XD

Unless supplementary positive feedback is received, _this _will be the end of Captain Falcon's work. I thank you all for enjoying this labor of love! I enjoyed writing this immensely!

**To a certain angel: Thank you. Without you, I would not have found new heights. I would not have written THIS, first off, still trapped in...well, labor without love. Thank you for introducing me to experiences that are truly rewarding, invigorating and just FUN.**


	4. Chapter 4

Welcome, beloved children of Oz! Due to massive, colossal and tremendous popularity, I have returned _again! _It is your one and only Captain Falcon, here to endow you with my endless, eternal and everlasting knowledge! You children obviously can't get enough of my charm and good looks. I always feel like everybody's wanting me...

Anyways, I finally took a break from Resident Evil 5. I turned on this movie last night, and it brought me to tears. It was about these four women living in New York, dealing with love and stuff. One of them was, like, madly in love with this big shot-who proposed to her (in the worst imaginable way, I might add). They were supposed to get married, but he _ditched _her at the last possible second! _Can you believe it?! _He _ditched _her! And she slapped the living eggs out of him! Holy rice cakes! I had _never _seen anyone use a bouquet to beat the living waffles out of someone!

Dear Falcon fans, the adventure continues! You asked for the continuation of my work, and here it is! More action! More romance! More suspense! More stuff! Watch out, because this is going to be CRAAAAZY!

**Ahem ahem ahem. Director Aurora is a supporter of yaoi (boy/boy love). If you're unable to even stomach boy/boy relationships, please steer clear. She would appreciate it if you could at least be respectful, if not supportive. Thank you for being such a wonderful audience!**

**Aurora would also like to explain something else. This is not meant to be a scornful, bitter dart to any author. Even though this is meant to convey Aurora's dislike of this fandom, it's not meant to harm anyone. Now, on with the show!**

**The Director assumes no ownership over the guest characters.**

* * *

Once upon a time, the Smashers were gathered into _another _fantastic place! They were not gathered in the Smash Castle/Manor/Sanctuary/Office, but before the Jedi Knight Council! They stood on the threshold of their destinies, awaiting action-packed battles! Awaiting the birth of love! Awaiting passion, revelations and even _more _battles! They await a lot of stuff, waiting inside of the Jedi Knights' headquarters! Before we dive into their most incredible adventure yet, allow the Falcon Committee to rehash the rules for an aspiring Smash author!

_1) Follow the Smash fandom's trends. As of late, the Ike/Marth trend is wildly popular. One Ike/Marth story has THIRTY FREAKIN' REVIEWS! YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE PROOF THAN THAT!_

_Before, it was the Ike/Pit trend. Falcon predicts the advent of the Ike/Link trend!_

_2) If one really wishes to be successful, stay away from yaoi all together. Marth/Samus and Marth/Zelda stories do wonders for this fandom._

_3) No one cares about Solid Snake, unless he's stuck with Samus._

_4) Pay attention to summary trends. Stick close to them._

_5) Don't use a Smasher if they're not on the popularity scale. Smashers absent from popularity scale: the Mario Brothers, Lucas, Ness, King Dedede, the Kongs, the Pokemon Trainer, Lucario, Meta Knight, Pikachu, Bowser, Solid Snake, Mr Game and Watch, and Li (Toon Link)._

There. I think that's all of them. All of the vital rules, anyway. A writer _must _follow those rules if they wish to be successful in this awesome fandom! Now, on with the additional, supplementary and extra awesomeness of Falcon's research!

"Dear comrades, I bring to you the Falcon News," C3PO declared, entering the Jedi Knight Headquarters in a cordial manner. In his hand rested a parchment, which was promptly unfolded. "Ahem ahem ahem," he began, always a good-mannered spirit. "Here I go. Please pay attention, dear friends. And Ike? I _do _wish you'd stop sulking over there. It's such a beautiful day, and I feel you might find wonderful discoveries today!"

While Ike dove into expletives, C3PO dove into the Oscar-nominated (in Falcon's dreams) Falcon Report.

_Solid Snake, otherwise known as 'Dave' or 'David', filed his resignation form this morning. No longer will he participate in the Brawl season, and won't return to star in Director Aurora's future Smash projects. He's set to star in the epics 'Hymn' and 'Tempest', working alongside Leon Scott Kennedy of Resident Evil fame. Due to Director Aurora's intense fondness for the Snake/Leon pairing, and her ever-growing affection for Snake, she no longer wishes to restrain Snake in the Smash fandom. Thank you for understanding._

Ike, emerging from the house of curses, dove into another house-the house of misery. "Bloody hell! What's so special about Snake?! Why does _he _have to be the Director's favorite?! I'd give _anything _to be in his position!"

Marth's eyes widened. "You should bloody well talk! It's no cakewalk being paired with _you _over and over again! Why can't I experience the spice of life?!"

"Um, dear princes," C3PO stepped in, holding up the parchment. "Allow me to state something else from the report."

_Marth Lowell and Ike could be paired with guest characters, but no one would care. If a Smash author wishes to be successful, they MUST pair those two together, or pair Ike with another Smash swordsman. Pit has already been assigned to him._

Marth balled his hands into fists. "Curse all that live! I deserve _more _than this! I have an entire kingdom behind my name! I have allies! An inheritance! A-"

"Soft, slender body complimented by an adorable personality, a soft voice, and soft eyes. Which makes you absolutely _perfect _for a cold, stiff rock like Ike!" Samus teased, wagging her finger. Marth threw her a devastatingly powerful glare, but their looming confrontation was crushed in a flash. Link's destiny dashed right into the room, and it was in the form of-

"Ruto!"

"That's right, Link! Your beloved fiancée has returned! It's time to keep your promise to meee!"

Link issued a scream that normally would have been attached to a very small girl. Navi, burning brighter than a blood-red ruby, prepared to take on the Zora Princess. "What are you talking about, hussy?! He's _mine! _He promised himself to _me! I love him!"_

Ruto folded her arms, glaring at the entity of light. "He accepted the Zora engagement ring! He promised he'd marry me!"

"_It was the third Sacred Stone! Don't blame me for any of this! I didn't make up their dumb rules!"_

"Don't try and weasel your way out of this one, Link! I'm not buying _anything _you say!"

"Navi, you _have _to listen to me! _I love you! _There's no one else in my heart! You're my air! My heart and soul! You complete me, Navi!"

"Stop this, you guys," the incredibly sweet and adorable Pit cried out, holding his hands up for tranquility. Those of the Star Wars realm unexpectedly died from cavities. C3PO, of course, was immune. "This has to stop! Please! Remember how powerful love can be! Remember how pure it can be!"

Navi bristled. "Oh _shut up, _you overrated dead beet!"

Ike shot a fist into the air. "Yes! The gods favor me today! Bless you, Navi!"

Fox, performing a little jig of triumph, strolled into the fray. "You guys need to be like me. You need to let loose and be free. You need to be-"

"_**Say it and die, furball!" **_a certain Altean roared, eyes adopting a devilish shade of red. In his hands appeared to be a sword. Wolf O' Donnell strolled into the room quietly, hands in his pockets.

"All right then. If Fox can't say it, _I _will. You need to be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"If you said it loud enough you'll always sound precocious!" Fox chimed in, taking Wolf's hands. And together, the two wolves lapsed into the Mary Poppins anthem. Yoda, the supreme ruler of Jedi Knights, wasn't about to let them continue. Oh no, children!

"Enough! End this must, right now! Fall into the darkness, you all will!"

Samus turned to a grinning Sonic. "Too late."

"Young Jedi Knights, save the world from Ganondorf, you must."

"Oh no..." Zelda said, rolling her eyes. She could sense what was about to come.

"Find three stones, you must! In order to find those, locate the Ocarina of Fate you must!"

"Just one question," a certain blonde said, raising a hand. "I _still _don't have a boy _or _girlfriend. I was married to Solid Snake, but apparently he's making merry with a hot muffin named Leon. Who am _I _supposed to be stuck with?"

Yoda grinned slyly, looking like a fox hiding a canary. "Answer that, the Falcon Report can. C3PO, please!"

_Due to Solid Snake's resignation, the Smasher Zero Suit Samus has been reassigned to another lover. Since Ike, Link, Marth and Pit are occupied, and the Pokemon Trainer is absent, she has been assigned to a lover of the guest realm. Please introduce her to-_

"Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Heya, lady Samus!"

"Mesa go die now..." the golden maiden groaned, slapping her forehead. "I don't believe this. I didn't ask for this crap. And who asked Snake to be so damn lucky? Why can't _I _have Leon?"

Ike nudged her in the ribs. "I have a suggestion. Why don't we kidnap Snake? I'll take Leon, and you'll at least get your husband back. Then you won't have to be married to Bowser's friend over there."

Snickering, Fox grinned at Yoda. "Hey. Why don't you wait for a minute? I'll go and fetch the Star Fox team! _We'll _stop Ganondorf _and _Andross," he declared jokingly, then burst into laughter. Wolf was right behind him.

"Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. I have to leave before you! I'm the leader of Star Wolf, remember?! We always pop up whenever you guys are in the middle of something! The guys can't fly off without me! Bwahahahaha!"

And so, the two pilots dove into unstoppable laughter. Yoda sighed while rolling his eyes. "Fetch the Sword of Truth, you must. Then you must find the Shield of Justice!"

"Don't we need to buy potions first?" an irritated Zelda asked, ready to bare the claws of an annoyed lioness. Yoda, amazed at her knowledge, burst into smiles.

"Yes, my dear queen! Pick up potions at your local potion store! Receive a special discount, you will! Just show them your Yoda Card! May the Force be with you!"

Knocks fell onto the front door of headquarters. Two Knights allowed a figure to enter, and it was a figure Zelda instantly recognized. He was completely lost, reading directions from what appeared to be a map of some sort.

"Excuse me. Um, my name's Ganondorf. I'm...like, the King of Evil, and...I'm supposed to capture the-"

A second passed before he found the sovereign of Hyrule in his arms. "Never mind," he said happily, overjoyed at Zelda's decision to jump into his arms. Without saying another word, he took his leave. Ike, after witnessing the entire event, turned to Sonic.

"Where can I file _my_ resignation?"

"File it at the front counter, you must," Yoda instructed, holding up a finger as he did. "Make sure you give it to Padme. Take care of it, she will."

Clearly distraught, Marth spoke next. "Dear Yoda, forgive me," the prince said softly, looking as if he wished to cry. "Is there _any _hope for me, or shall I end my miserable existence now? If I cannot find new love, can't I at least return to Roy? I feel so horribly lonely, and I do not enjoy this."

"Allow me to shed light on your loneliness, sweet Marth," C3PO intercepted, then read from Falcon's parchment of happy news.

_Director Aurora, devoted to the epic Snake/Leon pairing, is close to abandoning her current Smash projects. Future installations in the Smash fandom will occur in the distant future. Director Aurora will either compose humorous oneshots or epics that __**won't **__focus on Solid Snake. Despite her tremendous disappointment in the fandom, she is still fond of Prince Marth Lowell. He is a prime candidate for center stage. And Snake has been given his soul mate, so there's no problem in that department._

A weak smile spread across Marth's face. "Dear gods, what a relief. I just hope I'm not paired with Pit."

Wolf turned to him with a grin. "Link's available."

The Altean threw him a fatal glare. "No he isn't. He's moping after a fairy."

"All right, guys," Samus said, voice dripping with sarcasm as she ran through her script. "We're heading off to...begin the Amazing Race?"

"Indeed," Phil Keogan said, strolling into the room. "Today, all of you will begin a trip around the world. During your journey, you'll discover the three Holy Stones. Once you've arrived at your final destination, you'll be able to vanquish the evil Ganondorf-and win a prize of a million dollars. Any questions?"

If there were any questions, he couldn't have answered them. Samus tossed herself into his arms a second later, beaming from head to toe. "I'm okay now," she said casually, nodding.

There you have it. Now, kids, you've _got _to break off your addiction! I know I'm hot and dazzlingly sexy, but you've got to stop your Falcon cravings! My work here is complete!

Fine Print Voice Thingie: Captain Douglas Falcon, if asked to do so by the general public, will compose Smash Stereotype Guides based on Smashers and their stereotypes. Solid Snake's Stereotype Guide will be the first one released. Thank you for your support.

* * *

1) This was composed to Waka Laka (Dance Dance Revolution), Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles OST, and the Super Mario Galaxy OST.

2) I'm dead serious about Marth. Despite everything, there's still another Smasher I'm fond of. Since Snake is overlooked unless he's with Samus, I'll put someone else in the spotlight. Future SSB oneshots will be similar to this project-just made for fun. The Stereotype Guides are examples. Epics will center around Marth. Here are a few options I've composed for future Marth tales.

Pairings: Ike/Marth/Roy, Marth/Ryu Hayabusa (Ninja Gaiden II, Sigma), Marth/Altair (Assassin's Creed)

Here's another possibility for the distant future. I might continue 'Angel', an old Roy/Marth tale I wrote long ago.

Yeppers. Marth's taking Snake's place in Apocalyptica. And as you might have figured out, I've placed my heart in another fandom. So you could see 'Stardom' as an ephemeral goodbye to the Smash fandom. I _will_ return to this section in the future. My heart and soul are with my two precious lovers, though. XD

Thank you for your amazing support. This, in my eyes, is my most successful Smash project-right next to 'The Brawl to End all Brawls'. This was also the most fun Smash project to write. I enjoyed it very much! Thank you for reading!


End file.
